Okay. Apparently I can't use iCab to do Blogger. That'll put a crimp in my style to say the least....

In any case, here's a little rant I wrote back in December of 2001. Though I didn't know it then, it was my first blog. So, here it is.
-------------------
On Jealousy and Fame and Jealousy of Fame

Rant #1, 5 December 2001

My good friend Mike Daisey, who I knew very well at college from '91-'94, is well on his way to fame and fortune. Well, at least fame, though if his book sells half as well as I think it will, fortune won't be far behind. He's already been interviewed on NPR, one of my dreams; he's about to publish a book, another one of my dreams; I'm sure he'll achieve a few more of my dreams before he's done.

I don't mean to imply that he's doing these things just to co-opt my dreams. I'd venture to say that he barely remembers me anymore, though that may be a bit harsh, considering we have gotten together many times since college and remain in contact today. He even mentioned me once in a one-man show (we had helped him stay in DC while he was driving across the country to Seattle).

It seems that every time I start to feel reasonably content with my lot, someone pops up with a success story that sends me spiraling back to adolescent needs and wants, with petty envy and all that jumping at me from all sides. I suppose I should be happy, after all. I own my own house, I have a beautiful wife and an amazing son who I care for full-time. I don't have a job, so I can devote myself to whatever I want to do at that particular moment. Yeah, that's right, I think to myself, life is good. Don't I enjoy piano lessons? Don't I have a good time playing in The Gonna's, the World's Most Unknown Band? Ain't I getting better at animation and filmmaking?

The Squelch doth protest too much, methinks.

After all, Mike has a beautiful wife, too, and a child (though I'm not sure said child knows that Mike is her father) and for all I know he can play the piano too. So it's not a question of "Well, Squelch, he may have all that, but does he have what you have?" Um, yes, he does! And while he may not be happy per se, he's at the very least no more miserable than I am.

I don't mean to make this all about Mike, mind you. There are plenty of other friends I have of whom I'm seethingly jealous. Some of them no doubt are doing better than me because they went to better schools, had better contacts, and so on. They may even have had more talent, though, secretly, I still doubt it. What they did have: DRIVE.

After all, if a kid from rural Maine (this is Mike again) can be so successful, it can't be ALL about coming from New York City. I would guess it takes three things to succeed in the world of celebrity and arts: talent, ambition, and contacts. Two out of those three things aren't bad. Talent is in fact probably the least important, considering a high school classmate of mine just directed the film "The Animal."

So, taking as a given that I'm talented (a dubious given, but roll with me here), what about the other two elements? Well, surprisingly, I have more than a few contacts. But what stops me is the whole ambition thing.

This is what's strange. I have ambitions. My prime ambition is... to be ambitious. I look at what I've accomplished and I say "WHERE's the REST of it?" How about that bestselling novel before I'm thirty? Hell, what about FINISHING a novel before I'm thirty? (I've got a little over a month at this writing.) Right now it's a struggle to just finish this missive here.

Bottom line: I've succeeded in areas I never expected to succeed in (family) and failed where I never thought I'd fail (theater and writing).

So what happens now? If I succeed in my career, will I be happy? Well, maybe. But I won't succeed in my career unless I leave what I have behind. So I guess I just have to learn to live with disappointment.

And I hope Mike writes some more books, and keeps giving me reasons to be jealous.