It turns out that the Walt Disney Co., which shoots off spectacular fireworks displays every night of the week at its Epcot and Magic Kingdom theme parks in Florida, is one of the biggest private owners of explosives in the world. -- The Washington Post, 25 February 2003
NEW YORK--Today, in a stunning move, the United States opened another front in the war on terror, proposing a U.N. resolution demanding that Disney World immediately disarm itself of all weapons of mass destruction.
"The Mouse has roared in the past," said Secretary of State Colin Powell, addressing a special session of the U.N. Security Council, "and it shall roar again."
In contrast to the debate over war with Iraq, most European nations wholeheartedly endorse the resolution. "Disney has been implicated in numerous crimes against good taste and commerce," said French President Jaques Chirac. "Why is it so hard to believe they would make their next piece of merde Broadway musical open at the theatre of war?"
Disney Chairman Michael Eisner could not be reached for comment, but through a prerecorded statement said, "The Magic Kingdom will never fall as long as there are children to breathe the gas--er, air of Disney World." There was then what sounded like a high pitched giggle and the tape ended.
Disney is well known for its relentless campaign to stamp out the Public Domain, an effort that the International Criminal Court has likened to genocide, though the U.S. Supreme Court has call this charge "bull hockey." In addition, numerous claims of worker cruelty abound at their headquarters in Orlando.
"They make us wear these horrible baroque uniforms in the Florida summer sun," said one source on condition of anonymity. "Our heads are completely covered with graven images from Disney's past, and we have to laugh and interact with tourists, but we're not allowed to tell them how it really works."
Lately, analysts have noted that the Magic Kingdom's power has been waning, pointing to such desperation moves as funding the construction of Spanish galleons that fly through space and their request that Peter Jennings either work for half his current salary or deliver the news with the voice of Donald Duck.
Reaction from Democrats on Capitol Hill has been generally supportive, but skeptical. "It seems, again, that we're going after an Iraq while ignoring a North Korea," said Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (N.D.). "Ask any journalist, and they'll tell you the real danger is not Disney, but Fox."