From F/X disasters to radio disaster. We love Little Red Boat! The image of tucking D in to the sounds of a punch in the gut (reaction) is just too much to bear.

As a former theatrical sound designer and old radio buff, I used to have tons of sound effects records. I don't know where they are, but boy, were they fun. I used one to make my own recording of the first "Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy" episode when I was in junior high. That's lost now, too, which is just as well.

Come to think of it, I know where that F/X record went. It was stolen from the high school radio station, where I had left it in preparation for my show that afternoon. Stupid trusting idiot.

I'd love to do radio again, but who the hell knows where? There's no non-commercial radio to speak of in the D.C. area (and if you think public radio is non-commercial, well, you're not in WETA's jurisdiction). And, thanks to the lobbying of the media giants, that low-power FM scheme isn't applicable where I live (too many stations too close together already).

There was an article in the Post a while back about the head of ClearChannel, the largest radio conglomerate in D.C. (and one of the largest in the country). ClearChannel is only the worst example of why radio sounds the same no matter where you go. Lots of commercials, the same ten songs over and over, and certain types of DJs with little variation. (Try it out. An Oldies station in DC sounds like an Oldies station in Alaska.) The CEO said at one point, "Every time we have an idea, I have to ask: Will it raise ratings? Will it make money? If not, out it goes."

And yet, somehow, that philosophy has made ClearChannel LOSE money for the past two years. Guess what? If you showed a little individuality and took some risks, you might well get ratings and money! Why not hire one program director for each station (currently one PD handles two to three stations, in the name of cost-cutting) and have them run it according to their tastes and instincts, not market research?

Some of the things that are supposed to "raise ratings" and "make money" have been downright comical. For instance, our local version of a cookie-cutter Oldies station, WBIG, has gone through several identity crises since we moved here. It went from "Washington's Big Oldies Station" to "The Oldies Station" (as though it were the ONLY ONE), to "Oldies 100," and now it's just "Big 100," cutting the Oldies out entirely (though it still sounds exactly the same). They haven't changed the tunes for any of their jingles, though, so it's amusing to hear the jinglers sing "Big" for what used to be "Oldies," and try to stretch a one-syllable word into two syllables.

Meanwhile, down the dial a bit, a non-ClearChannel station, Z104, has hit upon the following catchy slogan: "Fewer Commercials, More Music." What a concept! Think it'll last?

Naaahh...