Run, Huggies, Run.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like as an action-adventure film.

The bag fell open in Squelch's hands. Fell open, and left only one diaper.

"That's the problem in a nutshell, S," she said. She licked her lips in a way that, at any other time, would have driven him wild, but now, she was all business. No longer his lover, this woman he only knew as "K"; now simply his boss.

"What about our regular distributor?" Squelch said, his brow a thick furrow of thought.

She shook her head, her brown locks teasing her forehead. "The Co-op Supermarket closes at nine."

He checked his watch. Latitude 76 degrees 55 minutes, longitude 39 degrees one minute. Inside at least ten cellular zones. No heat sources on the scanner but himself and K. He swore--stupid spy mode--and pressed a button. There it was. 9:39 PM. "Damn," he said softly.

He looked at her. "There's only one option."

She nodded. "Safeway."

"That's right. I'll need authorization."

"Screw authorization. Go. I'll watch our assets." She motioned to the assets, both asleep in their respective beds. He kissed her passionately--a final mixing of business with pleasure--and strode out the door, his heart pounding in his ears.

He pulled on his wraparound sunglasses and activated the night vision. A swamp of green--people, cars, untrimmed hedges. Only one thing mattered. To the Aston-Martin minivan. A screech of tires on pavement. A honk, an oath--"Hey, asshole, where's your damn headlights?" Heedless, Squelch gunned the engine and headed to the concrete jungle, the axis of evil, the suburban fiefdom--the mall.

The man who waved him down was dressed in black leather, and had black hair and dark sunglasses. "Squelch," he hissed.

"Just looking for a parking spot, Delaney," Squelch said. "You wouldn't have any handy?"

"Anything for you, Mr. S." He took a drag on his cigarette. "Why don't you park by the Sports Authority?"

Squelch shook his head, his eyes steel, his breathing steady. "I was hoping for something a little... closer."

Delaney nodded thoughtfully as he ground his cigarette into the pristine white exterior of the minivan. "I think," he said, "they're all taken."

Squelch saw the knife before he had a chance to remove his seatbelt, but it didn't matter. He pressed "play" on the CD player. "Toddler Favorites" wafted over the speakers, and with every beat of "The Wheels on the Bus," the AK-47s below the wheelbase fired ten shots. Delaney was on the ground, blood oozing from his knees, screaming. Squelch jumped from the car, his pistol at the ready. There were more goons coming out of the woodwork (literally--they all had those new PT Cruisers, and Squelch felt a pang of jealousy), but with a forward roll, a jump, and two cartwheels (while firing his gun, of course), they were all dead.

"Good thing I remembered change for the meter," he said as he flicked pennies onto Delaney's eyes.

Then it was inside the Safeway.

"Diapers," he said to the clerk, a woman who was ugly in every way except for her strong resemblance to Angelina Jolie in "Tomb Raider."

"Size?" she said, a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"Six."

She smiled and raised an eyebrow. "Big boy."

"More than you know," said Squelch. "And I'd like the special." He placed a card on the counter. She picked it up. The words glistened in the fluorescent light: Safeway Club.

She leaned forward and whispered in his left ear. "Sold out." Her breath was hot and moist. "Would you like a raincheck?"

He grabbed her hair and slammed her down on the counter. She gasped. "Dammit, I want size six Huggies and I want them now!" he yelled.

"You'll have to pay!" she screamed back. "You'll have to get Mega! Not Jumbo size, just Mega!"

Squelch let go. She staggered away. His voice was a block of ice as he said, "You know that Target sells Huggies at a better price. You know that."

She smiled in triumph. "Then you can go to Target--when they open tomorrow at eleven."

She had him. Disgusted, he said, "The things I do for England," and handed over a twenty dollar bill.

The clerk scanned the diapers and Squelch's retina for good measure. "Have a nice day, sir," she said, handing over the receipt and lingering over his eyes.

He walked to the parking lot. Her breath still stung in his ear. He pressed a button on his watch. A voice crackled. "S, report."

"The package is secure." K would want to know... but not all of it, not now. "Returning to base."

"S, we have another problem," K replied.

His breath cut short. "What?"

"Did you walk the dog yet?"