It's very striking to note how completely I fall apart when my wife is away on business. Well, not just me--though there's certainly an element of depression in it--but how my ability to keep house deteriorates. Invariably things wind up scattered, out of place; the kids miss elementary things like homework, cleanup time, baths; and on the day she comes home I scramble to straighten things up to a semblance of, y'know, and all. (I also lose my admittedly atrophied ability to write coherently.)
She goes away on business a goodly amount of time, usually to Florida. And in truth I go away a good amount of time as well, though not for business reasons (unless I were to make a business out of going to comic/3D conventions and film festivals). And even if I spend less time away overnight, I definitely spend more nights away, what with rehearsals and so on, whereas she remains home most every night whether I'm there or not.
Yet, she somehow manages to keep herself, and us, together. And I just can't manage to do that. Maybe it has something to do with getting decent amounts of sleep. For some reason, I always stay up 'til midnight or later when she's gone, even if it isn't my intention. It just happens. And I am not at my best when I'm tired. Whereas as far as I can tell, K just goes to bed when she needs to.
Whatever the reason, K is going to come home around 11 tonight to an absolute pigsty, unless I get my crap together and clean up the house. It makes me wonder: how much do I rely on her on a regular basis, and why have I become so dependent? There's always a certain amount of dependency in marriage, but if there's very little disruption when I'm gone, and huge amounts when she's gone, then what does she depend on me for?
I suppose behind all this is the neverending fear, common to all children of divorced parents I suspect (if not everyone), that she'll suddenly figure out what a fraud I am and take off. Granted, we've already been married longer than my parents were, but that means little. One of my best friends got a divorce after 13+ years of happy spousitude. A friend from college's parents waited until all the kids were out of the house before they split. Now I don't think we're in any danger of splitting, but if we did, how--not just in terms of romance, but in the basic, getting food on the plate and a roof over the head sense--would I live without her?